Plaintive Wailing

I mentioned earlier that I was planning a massive post of bad fantasy art. Well, due to abundant crapulence, it was getting too massive, so I’m going to break it up. Internet friends, welcome to the first installment of Theresa Makes Fun of Bad Fantasy Art. Disclaimer: before accusations of “OMG HATER” crop up, let me just say that I’m a huge, huge fantasy and sci-fi nerd. I love most of this crap. Look what I have saved, 100% un-ironically,  in my Pictures folder:

So, the purpose of this post and those to come isn’t to diss the genre. Even those Boris Vallejo-esque paintings of mulleted, muscle-bound men battling lizard monsters while babes in fur bikinis cower nearby, cheesy as they are, can be rendered skillfully enough to be considered legitimate art.

Naturally, legitimacy has no place here. Let’s get to the badness.

Okay, to be fair, this is probably a comissioned piece for the cover of a book or something, so the artist can’t be faulted for most of the character design. However. The triceratops has leopard-print sleeves. Why does the triceratops have leopard-print sleeves.

I just like the look on this guy’s face. He is so fed up with his polar squid deer dragon’s shenanigans.

S/he’s in ur computer, slaying ur…computer? Again, the facial expression is my favorite. What do you think our sexually ambigious knight is about to do? Die in that fire? Have an orgasm? Polish his/her elbow flutes? Try to find some munchies? Some computer chips, perhaps? Get it? Do you? Huh?

Maybe someday a man will love me enough to paint a portrait of my giant,  Press-N-Seal wrapped body as my life fluids drain away.  Why does the tiger lack hind feet, you ask? It is not for us to wonder why.

“No, minion! You must make MORE prequels! Start with Attack of the Sith Clones: The Revengening. Enormous hats don’t pay for themselves!”

Go ahead, deny the existence of global warming all you like. Just don’t come crying to me when an eagle steals the sun and the moon is absorbed into a maggot-riddled ball of space dung. (The random brush strokes over the left eye bother me SO MUCH, GOD.)

(…Yes. That is what bothers me about this thing.)

Guys. Guys! Is your mind, like, totally blown? It’s, like, surreal and shit. We see, you know, but do we ever really see? Like, with our minds?

Here ends installment one, but don’t worry. There is much, much more come. Images are snagged from Imagenetion, a huge archive of all sorts of fun, pulpy art.